“People talk of the sacrifice I
have made in spending so much of my life in Africa… I never made a sacrifice.
We ought not to talk of ‘sacrifice’ when we remember the great sacrifice which
He made who left His Father’s throne on high to give Himself for us.”
-David Livingston
There’s this overwhelming feeling
that I get every day that I wake up; this feeling of being full and alive, this
feeling of love and joy, this feeling of knowing that I am doing exactly what
God always wanted me to do. I am not only living this dream that I have held
onto for 17ish years, but I’m doing what I was meant for. I think back over the
years to all the times that God was steering me to this place. The first time I
learned about orphanages, and how my heart ached for these kids who were just
like me, but didn’t know that someone loved them. I remember how God kept
bringing me closer and closer to him even when I stumbled and lost my way, how
he never gave up on me. I smile when I think about the youth conference in 2007
where God called me to missions in Africa. Or all the times I tried to come to
Africa but the doors never opened, because he had something better in mind. Every
day of my life has been preparation for something bigger than me; something
that isn’t about me, but is about this God who loves people so much that He
sent His only Son to die for them.
Before I left America to come on
this adventure, I had only intended it to be for one year. It’s kind of funny
really, I was heading to a place that I had dreamed of my whole life and I was
only going to be here for a year? But a year is safe, a year is short, you
don’t miss out on much in only a year. I read a book called, “Kisses from
Katie”, (I highly recommend it). In the book she talks about this God that
loves her so much and how following Him was the best choice she ever made in
her life. I remember thinking, “Oh crap, is God going to ask me to stay
longer?” I pushed that thought to the back of my mind and came to Tanzania, a
place I didn’t really know that much about, but felt called to. When I first
arrived there was a girl who was coming in January to take over Sunrise, when
that fell through I felt this tug on my heart, a tug I thought was better
forgotten. A few months later I hit a rough patch where I was miserable and
wanting to head home, all of a sudden a year seemed like a life time, a life
time too long. I stuck it out and prayed A LOT. God had a plan for me and I had
to have the patience and the faith to follow him even when it’s hard,
especially when it’s hard.
As time went on I kept feeling
like this life was not temporary, like God had a plan for me that I secretly
also wanted for myself. I just couldn’t stop thinking that I haven’t dreamt
about this my whole life, only to spend a year here. God wants more of me, he
wants me to trust Him to provide, and He wants me to give up everything for
Him. “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross
and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever
loses his life for me will find it.” –Matthew 16:24-25
After my parents came and fell in
love, I knew I was meant to commit to more time. It was like in some way I felt
my feelings about this place were validated, like I needed them to approve, and
to get it, before I could say yes to stay longer. Although God doesn’t say,
“Pick up your cross and follow me, if your parents love it and get it.” But God
loves me enough to give me that. He loves me enough to bless me with a great
visit from my parents.
All of this led to my decision to
stay another year. While 2 years seems like a long time, and it seems like a
leap of faith, something felt off. I felt like God had lain the time he wanted
me to commit to on my heart, but I was trying to avoid it. Angel and I had a
really great talk one day, about God and His plans and us. While we were
talking 5 years came to me. I think that 5 years had always been in the back of
my mind somewhere waiting for me to grasp it. I just knew it was supposed to be
my commitment, my big leap of faith, putting all I have into this place and not
really having a plan for what comes next.
“But God doesn’t call us to be comfortable.
He calls us to trust Him so completely that we are unafraid to put ourselves in
situations where we will be in trouble if He doesn’t come through.” –Francis
Chan
I originally wanted to wait until
I came home to decide if staying 5 years is what I really wanted, but the funny
thing is it’s not about what I want. It’s about God and what his plans are,
it’s always about God. Then I thought about what it would mean to go back home,
never to see these kids again. The thought of being another person to come and
go from these kids’ lives, is unbearable. While not everyone who came here was
meant to stay here, I feel like God is giving me this life. He’s giving me this
chance to be a part of something bigger than myself, and I would be crazy to
turn it down. It’s not like this decision is an easy one to make either. While
I love these kids, and I love this life, and I love my God, there is still so
much that I am leaving behind. I have an incredible family who loves and
supports me all the time. I have an incredible church that sends thoughts and
prayers my way. I have incredible friends who are always there for me. I have a
life, and I miss it. But that’s what is so great about God. He gave me all
these people in my life who support, love, and pray for me, so that I can do
great things for His Glory.
“From everyone who has been given
much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much,
much more will be asked.”
-Luke 12:48
Something that Katie Davis says in
her book “Kisses from Katie,” pretty much says it all for me.
“But I wanted other things more.
All of the time. I wanted to be spiritually and emotionally filled every day of
my life. I wanted to be loved and cuddled by a hundred children and never go a
day without laughing…I wanted to be challenged endlessly; I wanted to be
learning and growing every minute. I wanted to be taught by those I teach, and
I wanted to share God’s love with people who otherwise might not know it. I
wanted to feel needed, important, and used by the Lord. I wanted to make some
kind of difference, no matter how small, and I wanted to follow the calling God
had placed on my heart. I wanted to give my life away, to serve the Lord with
each breath, each second. At the end of the day, no matter how hard, I wanted
to be right here…Opportunities to make someone else’s life better were so much
more attractive to me than the thought of the comforts I once knew. The longer
I stayed, the more I realized that deep fulfillment had begun to swallow my
every frustration. No matter how many contradictions I struggled with, how
difficult certain situations were, no matter how lonely I got, no matter how
many tears I cried, one truth remained firmly grounded in my heart; I was in
the center of God’s will; I was doing what I was created to do.”
Kay and I are working out the
details, and she is going to teach me all her ways, which means this is me, announcing
that I am staying for five years. I have no idea what the future holds for me,
but I do know that there is a God who loves me and is in control. I am taking all
that I have learned these past eight months and putting it into practice,
giving my life over to God.
“The greatest thought that has
ever entered my mind is that one day I will have to stand before a Holy God and
give an account of my life.”
-Daniel Webster
“…how will you answer the King
when he says, ‘What did you do with what I gave you?’”
–Francis Chan
Prayer Requests:
-As usual be praying for Sunrise,
and everyone here. The more that we look towards God and pray together the more
hard times we are facing.
-Pray for my relationship with Kay
as we work out details and as I learn from her.
-Pray that I will remain focused
on God and he will be my strength.
-Pray that I will be an example of
God’s unfailing love with my staff and children.
