“But what we really need is God. What we really need is
someone who loves us so much we don’t worry about death, about our hair
thinning, about other drivers pulling in front of us on the road, about whether
people are poor or rich, good-looking or ugly, about whether we feel lonely or
about whether or not we are wearing clothes. We need this; we need this so we
can love other people purely and not for selfish gain, we need this so we can
see everybody as equals, we need this sour relationships can be sincere, we
need this so we can stop kicking ourselves around, we need this so we can lose
all self-awareness and find ourselves for the first time, not be realizing some
dream; but by being told who we are by the only being who has the authority to
know, by that I mean the Creator.”
-Donald Miller
The children have returned. These empty rooms and halls are
now filled with children’s voices, laughter, and joy. I now hear constant
“Court-ta-neys” through my window. And now we have sixteen children. We just
added another little girl, her name is Halima. Her mother just passed on
December 12, and this little girl needs lots of loving and prayers. It’s so
hard to know that these children have lost so much in such short years, that
they have seen pain that I have never even known; and yet I keep thinking how
amazing our God is. He takes people who are broken, and lost, and hurting and
he takes their lives and turns them around. He takes these children who have
lost so many loved ones at such a young age and turns them into happy, no
worries, full of life children. If he can do that for them, he can do that for
you and me too.
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| Halima! |
We are in our summer right now, which means lots and lots of
rain. The rain here is different, it’s not a steady rain, but a rain that when
it comes it POURS, and since the roads are dirt, it makes traveling anywhere,
especially by foot, next to impossible; and it always brings thunder and
lightning. Since we are at such a high elevation I feel like the lightning
strikes close, much to close. There have been people in other villages that
have been struck recently, which make me yell and scream at the kids to get
their takos (bottoms) inside.
Like I have mentioned before I have a special talent for
potato farming. Apparently I impress my fellow Tanzanian workers with my
ability to wield a jembe, or hoe. (I still am not quite sure if this is
something to brag about or not yet.)These aren’t like the American type, they
weigh 5-8lbs, and they are much larger too. Anyways, so I might be able to do
it, but at a much slower pace than the Tanzanians and also for a lot shorter of
a time period. But none the less the rest of the villagers get this bug eyed look
on their face when they hear I am able to do the work. There is also lots of
laughing involved when it comes to looking at my hands that still get blisters
because they aren’t calloused over yet. One thing I have had to get used to in
Tanzania, is always being laughed at; when I speak their language, when I work,
when I smile, when I wear their style outfits, just about anything I do induces
laughter, which when I really think about it is kind of a beautiful thing,
always able to bring out that kind of happiness in others, even if it is in
terms of at you instead of with you.
On Sunday after church and lunch I took the kids up to the
soccer field at their school. The boys played soccer and the girls hung around
with their friends who eventually made it my way to sit with me. Now that my
hair is shorter there isn’t as much braiding to be done with it, but the girls
still like to try, and their friends think it’s funny to touch my hair too.
I’m learning a lot of patience again. I think I am always
learning about patience. I want to stress over the little things, all the time;
like shoes being all over the dining room, or having to repeatedly tell the
kids to shower, this happens rarely, or things not being done the way I
would’ve done them, or meals not being on time every once in a while. I have to
pause and ask myself, “Courtney, are these things really worth stressing over?”
“Well probably not but-“
“Sometimes there are shoes all over the dining room, is it
hurting anyone that they are there?”
“I guess not.”
“Kids will be kids you know.”
“Yea I know.”
“Why is it so important that things be done your way if they
are still getting done, and correctly?”
“Well I guess that doesn’t matter so much, but meals should
be on time we have a schedule to keep!”
“Is it really hurting anyone to eat a little later??”
“No, but-“
“Is someone going to die if we eat dinner late sometimes? They are cooking for 20 people.”
“Well when you say it like that, I guess it’s not that big
of a deal.”
I wish I was kidding but sometimes I really have to have a
conversation with myself to work out these sorts of issues that I sometimes
have with myself. Sometimes my rational side has to put me in check and put
things into perspective for me. Truthfully most of the things I work myself up
over are things that are really not that big of a deal, and honestly things
could be a lot worse than shoes in the dining room, and meals being eaten
later. At least I know that we live in a home filled with love, and that is
more important than anything else.
Big things are potentially coming our way, if it’s God’s
will of course. This Methodist organization from the states is sending a pastor
our here on January 20th to check out Sunrise and maybe approve us to be taken
under their wing. What this means for Sunrise is that we will finally have a
place to send our money, expense free, and they will sign us up for getting
volunteers sent out here. We are looking for volunteers to come for at least a
year at a time, and they will be our “sisters”. (Since this is the hardest
position to keep people in.) The more exciting thing is that they have a
process for screening volunteers and will only send us people who fit our
criteria completely. What this means for Kay is that she can have the out she
needs, as she is retiring in August, and will only be coming back for a few
months a year. What this means for me is that I will continue to be the
manager/director at Sunrise, and will be training the new volunteers who come
in. I am also looking at the option of finding a house in the village to live
in, one that is hopefully close to site, so I can just walk right over here
every day to work, but yet have my own space to relax in. While I love living
at Site, and moving into the village means roughing it village style, I know
that I need to think sustainability for myself and maybe having a little space
to call my own in my new life will bring me just that. And it won’t change
things that much I will still be a hop, skip, and a jump away from site, where
the majority of my time will still be spent!
My adjustments back to Tanzania have been a little rough, as
previously mentioned. I feel like this time around and for a while now, I have
been leaving God out of my life here. I have put him on a back burner and
started trying to live on my own, seeking happiness in other people. It’s funny
how I find myself doing this over and over again. I start living my life for
God, following where he leads, knowing that the happiest I have ever been and
ever will be is in the center of his will and yet I still stray. I still try to
make my own happiness, try to find my worth in the world instead of in the God
who created me and who is the only one who can tell me what my worth is.
I’ve come to the realization, with a lot of help from some
great authors, and a lot of nudging from God, that I will only have good
relationships with people when I stop looking to them to redeem me; when I stop
hoping that they will give me my worth. Because basically what it comes down to
is everyone, at some point or another, is going to let you down; everyone that
is but God. I’ve been reading these
amazing books on loving like Jesus did, about being an example of him, about
his life and how he spent it, and the reoccurring message is that we are all
sinners who fall short of the Glory of God, we all make mistakes after mistakes
whether we want to admit it or not, but the beautiful thing about Jesus is that
he knew all of this about us before he came to save us. That even though we are
all these awful things most of the time, He still loves us and he still chose
to die for us. I don’t know about you but if someone loves me that much even
though I screw up and try to do things my own way, even though I constantly try
to find my worth in other people, and the even” though’s” is a long list, but
the point is that he still loves me enough to die for me, then why would I turn
to anyone else to find my worth as a human being?
“Imagine how much a man’s life would be changed if he
trusted that he was loved by God? He could interact with the poor and not show
partiality, he could love his wife easily and not expect her to redeem him, he
would be slow to anger because redemption was no longer at stake, he could be
wise and giving with his money because money no longer represented points, he
could give up on formulaic religion, knowing that checking stuff off a
spiritual to-do list was a worthless pursuit, he would have confidence and the
ability to laugh at himself, and he could love people without expecting
anything in return. It would be quite beautiful really.”
-Donald Miller
Some Pictures From when I first arrived back in Uhekule!
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| The kids running to the car! |
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| Trying to get the car door open! |
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| Hugging! |
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| Combined birthday! |
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| Akwirino, Elenesta, Ziada |
