While this is the letter i wrote for my church, it's always for you my readers as well. Plus i will be adding more information so that everyone is up to date with what is going on.
Dear Readers,
This is a hard letter for me to write, and it will probably
be hard to hear. There isn’t an easy way to say this, or a pretty way to word
it, so I am just going to tell you; I am pregnant. I went through a time where
I wanted to take things into my own hands, decided that I know what is best for
Courtney, what I think will make me happiest, and as everyone knows, that never
works out. You just continue down this road of loneliness and guilt and your
days are full of regret, and then you remember that God’s ways are always
better, that his plans, his path, are always, always, always the best.
The bible says in James 5:16, “Make this your common
practice: Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you
can live together whole and healed. The prayer of a person living right with
God is something powerful to be reckoned with.” (The Message)
So I am coming to you, and confessing that I have
sinned. I am asking for your forgiveness, and obviously God’s so that I can be
right with Him and right with all of you too.
It’s been a hard time for me, since I found out. I am not even
100% sure that I wanted to have my own children, these kids at Sunrise more
than fill that part of my heart, but this baby is coming, and just so you know
it’s a girl. While I have been living in a state of denial for some time now,
there is a verse in the bible that I have always loved and it has a whole new
meaning for me now.
“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my
mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your
works are wonderful I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of
the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were
written in your book before one of them came to be.”
Psalms 139:13-16 (NIV)
I have to believe that while this baby is not coming into
the world in the God perfected plan she is a plan none the less. While she
might not have been the plan that I wanted or that my family wanted or that you
my church wanted, she is and always was a part of God’s plan, and that gives me
hope. Hope for myself, and hope for the future. This baby is part of a plan
bigger than me, bigger than my mistakes, bigger than this world, because she is
God’s plan, just like all of us are. And what a beautiful thing that is.
I am sure you are wondering what this means for me and
Sunrise, I still plan to fill my commitment of 5 years here. I am coming home
to have the baby, and then returning to Tanzania. I have spoken with the
director and she said that she loves me and will support me in any way that she
can. While having a baby is going to make things a little more challenging, it
won’t take anything away from my work here. Not to mention the 16 brothers and
sisters this little one will have. I still feel led to be here, to continue to
be a constant for these children, to continue to love like Jesus, and until God
says otherwise Tanzania is home.
Again I am writing this letter to ask your forgiveness, and
to make things right with all of you and with God. While I am sure you are all
in shock now, and this will take time to digest, if you want to know anything
else please don’t hesitate to contact me, my email is c.hohensee@yahoo.com. You are all
family to me, and I want to be as honest and open with you as I can.
Love, Courtney
The plans:
I will be coming home the last week of May before I hit the 35 week mark and can't fly. Her due date is June 27, which my mom told me was also my due date (but i was 2 weeks late). We are currently trying to get her father his passport and visa so that he can also come to the states for her birth. So please be praying that all works out, and it doesn't go on "Tanzanian" time. We hope to stay until the end of August, or beginning of September, so hopefully she'll have lots of time with her American family before we return to Tanzania.
As far as how the baby and I are doing, we are fine. Things looked great at my last appointment. She moves all of the time now, and her kicks are starting to get stronger. She seems to favor the night time movements, which are slightly less convenient for my sleep.
I just want to end by thanking all of the people who have sent me such touching words of encouragement, and advice. It means a lot to have so many people who love and support me, especially in a sensitive time.
