Pick up your cross and follow Me

“People talk of the sacrifice I have made in spending so much of my life in Africa… I never made a sacrifice. We ought not to talk of ‘sacrifice’ when we remember the great sacrifice which He made who left His Father’s throne on high to give Himself for us.”

-David Livingston 

              

There’s this overwhelming feeling that I get every day that I wake up; this feeling of being full and alive, this feeling of love and joy, this feeling of knowing that I am doing exactly what God always wanted me to do. I am not only living this dream that I have held onto for 17ish years, but I’m doing what I was meant for. I think back over the years to all the times that God was steering me to this place. The first time I learned about orphanages, and how my heart ached for these kids who were just like me, but didn’t know that someone loved them. I remember how God kept bringing me closer and closer to him even when I stumbled and lost my way, how he never gave up on me. I smile when I think about the youth conference in 2007 where God called me to missions in Africa. Or all the times I tried to come to Africa but the doors never opened, because he had something better in mind. Every day of my life has been preparation for something bigger than me; something that isn’t about me, but is about this God who loves people so much that He sent His only Son to die for them. 

Before I left America to come on this adventure, I had only intended it to be for one year. It’s kind of funny really, I was heading to a place that I had dreamed of my whole life and I was only going to be here for a year? But a year is safe, a year is short, you don’t miss out on much in only a year. I read a book called, “Kisses from Katie”, (I highly recommend it). In the book she talks about this God that loves her so much and how following Him was the best choice she ever made in her life. I remember thinking, “Oh crap, is God going to ask me to stay longer?” I pushed that thought to the back of my mind and came to Tanzania, a place I didn’t really know that much about, but felt called to. When I first arrived there was a girl who was coming in January to take over Sunrise, when that fell through I felt this tug on my heart, a tug I thought was better forgotten. A few months later I hit a rough patch where I was miserable and wanting to head home, all of a sudden a year seemed like a life time, a life time too long. I stuck it out and prayed A LOT. God had a plan for me and I had to have the patience and the faith to follow him even when it’s hard, especially when it’s hard.

As time went on I kept feeling like this life was not temporary, like God had a plan for me that I secretly also wanted for myself. I just couldn’t stop thinking that I haven’t dreamt about this my whole life, only to spend a year here. God wants more of me, he wants me to trust Him to provide, and He wants me to give up everything for Him. “If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it.” –Matthew 16:24-25

After my parents came and fell in love, I knew I was meant to commit to more time. It was like in some way I felt my feelings about this place were validated, like I needed them to approve, and to get it, before I could say yes to stay longer. Although God doesn’t say, “Pick up your cross and follow me, if your parents love it and get it.” But God loves me enough to give me that. He loves me enough to bless me with a great visit from my parents. 

All of this led to my decision to stay another year. While 2 years seems like a long time, and it seems like a leap of faith, something felt off. I felt like God had lain the time he wanted me to commit to on my heart, but I was trying to avoid it. Angel and I had a really great talk one day, about God and His plans and us. While we were talking 5 years came to me. I think that 5 years had always been in the back of my mind somewhere waiting for me to grasp it. I just knew it was supposed to be my commitment, my big leap of faith, putting all I have into this place and not really having a plan for what comes next. 

“But God doesn’t call us to be comfortable. He calls us to trust Him so completely that we are unafraid to put ourselves in situations where we will be in trouble if He doesn’t come through.” –Francis Chan

I originally wanted to wait until I came home to decide if staying 5 years is what I really wanted, but the funny thing is it’s not about what I want. It’s about God and what his plans are, it’s always about God. Then I thought about what it would mean to go back home, never to see these kids again. The thought of being another person to come and go from these kids’ lives, is unbearable. While not everyone who came here was meant to stay here, I feel like God is giving me this life. He’s giving me this chance to be a part of something bigger than myself, and I would be crazy to turn it down. It’s not like this decision is an easy one to make either. While I love these kids, and I love this life, and I love my God, there is still so much that I am leaving behind. I have an incredible family who loves and supports me all the time. I have an incredible church that sends thoughts and prayers my way. I have incredible friends who are always there for me. I have a life, and I miss it. But that’s what is so great about God. He gave me all these people in my life who support, love, and pray for me, so that I can do great things for His Glory. 

“From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked.”

-Luke 12:48

Something that Katie Davis says in her book “Kisses from Katie,” pretty much says it all for me.

“But I wanted other things more. All of the time. I wanted to be spiritually and emotionally filled every day of my life. I wanted to be loved and cuddled by a hundred children and never go a day without laughing…I wanted to be challenged endlessly; I wanted to be learning and growing every minute. I wanted to be taught by those I teach, and I wanted to share God’s love with people who otherwise might not know it. I wanted to feel needed, important, and used by the Lord. I wanted to make some kind of difference, no matter how small, and I wanted to follow the calling God had placed on my heart. I wanted to give my life away, to serve the Lord with each breath, each second. At the end of the day, no matter how hard, I wanted to be right here…Opportunities to make someone else’s life better were so much more attractive to me than the thought of the comforts I once knew. The longer I stayed, the more I realized that deep fulfillment had begun to swallow my every frustration. No matter how many contradictions I struggled with, how difficult certain situations were, no matter how lonely I got, no matter how many tears I cried, one truth remained firmly grounded in my heart; I was in the center of God’s will; I was doing what I was created to do.”

Kay and I are working out the details, and she is going to teach me all her ways, which means this is me, announcing that I am staying for five years. I have no idea what the future holds for me, but I do know that there is a God who loves me and is in control. I am taking all that I have learned these past eight months and putting it into practice, giving my life over to God. 

“The greatest thought that has ever entered my mind is that one day I will have to stand before a Holy God and give an account of my life.”

-Daniel Webster

“…how will you answer the King when he says, ‘What did you do with what I gave you?’” 

–Francis Chan

Prayer Requests:

-As usual be praying for Sunrise, and everyone here. The more that we look towards God and pray together the more hard times we are facing.

-Pray for my relationship with Kay as we work out details and as I learn from her.  

-Pray that I will remain focused on God and he will be my strength.

-Pray that I will be an example of God’s unfailing love with my staff and children.