God's Grace

The sound of children’s laugher comes through my window; a truly beautiful sound that I have fallen in love with. I open my window and watch them playing outside. They don’t know that I am there which allows me a chance to just watch and fall in love. I can’t help but smile as I watch these children, these children that I don’t deserve to have, these beautiful, wonderfully made children. I just can’t help but marvel at how great our God is. These eleven bundles of joy with pasts that bring tears to my eyes and God has given them a new life, he’s given them love, he’s given them happiness, he’s given them imperfect people to give them His perfect love. My heart is so full all the time; I didn’t even know that a person could have so much. There are a lot of really great reasons to love this life I have been given but sometimes the lows sneak up on you. To threaten my composure, to threaten my heart, to threaten my happiness, to threaten to take away the reasons I fell in love with Tanzania. 

I think back to the beginning, when I first left work, when I first left all the people I love, when I first left my home, when I got on that first plane, my first night in Tanzania, all times that were such a struggle for me. It was so hard to leave behind everything I knew to come to a place I have never been before, and I cannot describe how hard that first night was. I had just landed in this hot place, I didn’t speak the language, I didn’t know anyone, It was dark and I was headed to the worst hotel I had seen to date (not so true anymore). I hadn’t been able to contact my family, I hadn’t heard a single familiar voice or seen a familiar face, and I was completely alone. I cried myself to sleep that first night and I just begged God to ease my pain. I put all my trust in him that things would get better, that I would find the life I’d always dreamed of here, and that all the hard times I had just faced would soon be worth it.  It’s weird to think back to that girl who hurt so much in this place, who wanted to turn around and head back home, who didn’t love Tanzania. It seems like a lifetime ago when I went through all that. It seems like it was a different person, and in a lot of ways it was. I am not the same girl that got off that plane on November 14, 2012. I have changed immensely; I love so many things about Tanzania, I never cry for the life that I left behind even though there are days when I miss it, almost as much as I want to be here. I’m glad that I had a rough beginning because it makes me so thankful for all that I have now.

It’s a weird place to be, this place I am in now; this place of contentment and happiness. I know that I should miss home, and friends, and family so much it hurts, and I do miss them, but God is a wonderful God and if we are following him he gives us what we need to keep going. Even though life is easier now, in the painful loneliness department, I still need God to keep me going. I still need to be in constant contact with him, I still need to lean on him and his word, and I still need to learn to trust him with my life. I am taking this life day by day, and loving on eleven children that mean the entire world to me. And to think that soon I might have to love on even more children… what a hard life I have been forced into. 

When Corrinne and I returned from Iringa, I was so exhausted. I showered and went straight to bed, falling asleep at about 6pm. I woke up the next morning at 5:20am so that I could make breakfast. One of the boys ran up to me and gave me a big hug. “I missed you so much, Court-ta-ney!” I just hugged him back and smothered him with a million kisses. The truth is it had only been four days and I missed them so much too. The better truth is that I get to have these moments for at least seven more months. I know and trust that God has a plan for me that will make me this happy for many more times to come. Life isn’t always going to be easy, but I know what it means to be in the center of God’s pleasing and perfect will and that is something I am going to strive for, for the rest of my life.

In Tanzania, as a sign of respect, you call someone sister so and so, or brother so and so, and mothers are known by Mama (first born name). So for instance my mom would be Mama Courtney. Well other than the few times some of the kids have called me mother, mostly I am known as Court-ta-ney. This week some of the girls have now started calling me dada (sister in Kiswahili) Court-ta-ney, which is kind of a big honor. I am starting to feel more and more a part of these kid’s lives, and in bigger and bigger ways. I know I go on and on about how much I love these kids, but I just can’t help it. They are probably the best thing about Tanzania, the best thing about my life. One of the little boys, Elia, is one of those kids that everyone easily falls in love with. He is always giving me big hugs and we have this little game we play where I give him a million kisses as a form of “torture” and he giggles and tells me “no more kisses!” Then the next thing I know he is giving me a million kisses and then I pretend it’s terrible and so on and so forth. 

We had a rough couple of days this week too. Two of our boys, Elia and Ima, were seen with 15,000TSH, which in USD is not that much money, but for a villager it is A LOT of money. We asked the boys about the money and they said that it was another kid from schools, and that Ima’s brother had given him 2,000TSH. I asked them if this was the truth, and if I asked all of these people about this money they would say it was too. They said yes it was true. So two of the staff members and I went to investigate these claims. We went to the school and two of the teachers said they would pull these kids out of class (not that they are doing anything anyways) and we can ask them. After lots of story changing and this money came from here, and this money from there, we got our final story; the boys’ friend had taken 15,000tsh from his grandmother to buy gloves from our boys, gloves that they are given here for free. Ima confessed to stealing 5,000tsh from his brother, and they used about 5,000tsh to buy little things from the store. I told all of the boys that they had to go confess what they had done, apologize, and then they had to work off their debt for the grandmother and brother (and a few more punishments at home). I was thanking the teachers for helping us and she told me, “We are all parents and we have to help each other out.” 

On Thursday my devotional was about parenting. It said:

“It’s obvious that parenthood requires carloads of patience. And I could feel reasonably righteous about boisterously losing that patience when the going gets rough, if it weren’t for the fact that God has to lavish so much of it on me.” –Susan L. Lenzkes

I never once felt really angry or frustrated with the boys. I was a little baffled by the whole situation and at a loss for what was the best way to handle it, but I just kept thinking about this passage. I just kept thinking about myself, and the mistakes I had made in the past too, and it kept me calm and level headed, not only with the kids but with the staff too. I went through a period where I was negative nancy about everything. I couldn’t see the positive side to anything or anyone and I just let frustrations take me over. I have been working on it and trying to see all the good reasons that I had been missing. When I read this passage I felt like God was hinting that this applies to the staff too; that even though I have to tell them things more than once, and even though they seem to keep making the same mistakes, and even though sometimes I feel like I am more an adult than they are, when is any of this a good enough reason to stop showing love? Sure I could probably validate every feeling I’ve had. I could probably make a really good case for why I am right and why everyone should feel bad for me, and maybe that is all true, but what gives me the right to act that way? When I have been shown time after time this amazing grace from God, grace that I don’t deserve, at what point did that make it ok for me to not show them the same?

 “But go and learn what this means: ‘I desire mercy, not sacrifice.’ For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.”- Matthew 9:13

We are all sinners. We all fall short. No one is perfect. Now this might come as a shock to some of you, I know I struggle with the no one is perfect part, but it’s so true. God did not send his only son to die for people who had it all together. Jesus did not die for a bunch of people who didn’t need him, and he definitely didn’t die so that we can be forgiven of our sins only to turn around and not forgive someone else.

God has already knocked me off my high horse, and is constantly teaching me new things, constantly showing me where I am short in the love department, and constantly putting me back on my feet and giving me more chances to prove that I am learning. And let me tell you, I am learning. In just six very short months God has done a 180 on me. He has taken this incredibly broken girl with so many flaws, so many mistakes in her past, so many regrets, and is molding her into a new person. He is telling me to forget the flaws, forget the mistakes, and forget the regrets, because he already has. He has shown me how much I mean to him by giving me this life that I don’t deserve. He is giving me this chance of a lifetime to show his love to so many people. He is allowing me to go through these lows so that I can truly appreciate all of the highs. It’s about time that I learn to give back. 

“…freely you have received, freely give.” –Matthew 10:8

Thank you again for all the continued love, support, prayers, etc that have been sent my way. Only two weeks until my parent arrive!!! 

“Come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” –Matthew 11:28