Giving & Loving

“Are you my new mother?” I look into the dark brown eyes of the child who asks. There are so many things in those eyes; love, joy, a hidden hurt, a longing for someone to belong to.  I smile and wrap my arms around her and kiss the top of her head. I am not sure how to answer that question. Of course I consider these kids mine, I have already claimed them, and they have claimed my heart, but I can’t promise her that I am. They are so used to people coming and leaving, a mother is forever. I know that God has a plan for these kids, and he will bring someone to them who won’t leave, who is forever, who is a new mother. Sometimes I am a little jealous of that person, sometimes I want to be that person, sometimes I have a hard time waiting on God’s plan for my life. 

Most Sundays I slightly dread going to church. As horrible as that sounds, it’s true. It’s hard to sit through a two hour service, where you know nothing that is being said, the benches are wood, your butt hurts after twenty minutes and your back after twenty five. The kids don’t even want to sit with you most of the time because their friends are obviously way cooler than you, even though you are mzungu. The best part is making faces at the babies who stare at you, and watching them giggle. But then there are Sundays like this last one. Seven of the kids wanted to go to church with me, and seven of the kids sat with me. When it came time for the offering I gave them all some change and they were so excited to be able to put something in the dish! After church there is an auction where items that were donated get sold. (If people don’t have money they give food or soap or things that they do have.) Sometimes people will buy things for the orphanage, but it’s not that often. This particular Sunday that was not the case. People kept buying things for us! We went home with six squash, two bags of salt, tomatoes, and onions. I had all the kids personally thank the people who donated and shake their hands. I realized that my presence is noticed, especially when I am toting seven kids around. That going to church even though I understand next to nothing, is important, if for no other reason than just to be supportive and involved. 

The weirdest thing about living in Africa is when people consider it an honor to meet you, and an even bigger honor to have you in their homes.  It’s weird because I feel the same way about them. It’s an honor to meet all these people, and it’s an even bigger honor when they welcome me into their homes. The villagers are such generous people, with smiles that reach their eyes, and a love that touches my heart. I was walking with my friend from the village when we met with two ladies. They eagerly shook my hand and were so excited to meet me they could hardly stand it. One of the ladies talked so fast and smiled so big and held onto my hand for a good five minutes. I didn’t understand a word she said and neither did my friend, who speaks the same language, but her excitement was contagious and I couldn’t stop smiling at her. I couldn’t stop smiling for the rest of the day for that matter. 

I realized that I want my time here to be shared with the villagers too. They are obviously so excited to meet me, and talk with me, and I am really excited for those moments too. I know that God has put a soft spot for these people in my heart, and I want to show them that I love them. Corrinne and I talked about doing service projects with the kids. They have never heard of doing anything for other people without getting something in return, and we want to teach our kids how important it is to give, while showing the village that we care about them. I want to demonstrate God’s love to these villagers, in way that they have never seen or experienced. I want to learn exactly what it means to just give. I came here to learn to love and I want to do just that. 

We have started a bible verse of the week project with the kids. Every week we are going to teach them a verse, write it on the blackboard in the dining room, and at the end of the week if they can recite it from memory they will get extra points. (Ten for Swahili, fifteen for English.) It’s kind of neat to learn bible verses in Swahili too. This week we started with:

“For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” –John 3:16

“Kwa maana jinsi jii Mungu aliupenda ulimwengu, hata akamtoa Mwanawe pekee, ili kila mtu amwaminiye asipotee, bali awe na uzima wa milele.” –Yohana 3:16

Today is the first day of March, and therefore today is a fresh start. I have decided that my new goal is to learn ten new words in Swahili a day. I have flash cards and I am practicing like crazy. I want to be able to communicate with the villagers more effectively, and also with the staff. Plus I am living in Africa and what better way to learn a new language than to be immersed in it. I also want to totally show off when my parents come to visit! Haha!

I hate gardening and that blame can be placed on my parents. When we were little if we did something wrong or were in trouble we had to pull weeds. It traumatized me and now I dread working in the garden. Ok so maybe a small part of the blame is mine. Anyways, now we have a garden and we can plant things year round. I love it. I love that when I want a carrot I can just go pick it out of the garden, or some spinach, or cabbage, or whatever else we have planted there. Corrinne and I have picked a few seeds that we want to start planting, as a “special” vegetable. We are expanding so that we can grow more and buy less. The other day we had a meal of fresh potatoes, carrots, and onion out of our garden. 

I am happy to report that Hosea is having a good week. Not only did he do his laundry (took a while but he did it) he seems happy. He has been smiling all week and even giving me hugs on his own. I know that this might not last forever and bad days are sure to come, but for this week I am enjoying a happy little boy. Thank God!!

“You know me inside and out, you know every bone in my body, you know exactly how I was made, bit by bit, how I was sculpted from nothing into something.” –Psalm 135:15

Contentment

This week I realized that I would be content in either life God chooses for me; for the first time since coming here I can picture myself being happy in Africa or America. I have this new found faith, and this new need for a God who has always been there waiting for me to realize it. He has been there with arms wide open, with more love for me than I can ever know, with more patience, and forgiveness, picking me up when I fall, waiting for me to realize that the emptiness I have been trying to fill, can only be filled by Him. 

One of our boys, Goodluck left this week. His aunt and uncle in Mbeya (which is like 7 hours away) want him closer to them. It was really hard to let him go. I couldn’t help but wonder if he can really be happy somewhere else. How can they take him from this loving place, from all his new siblings, from his life? I prayed that God would change their minds and he can stay here with us forever and ever. But God says to trust him that he has a plan for each and everyone one of us, and I have to learn to let go. The same God, who takes care of Goodluck here at Sunrise, will take care of him in Mbeya. The same God, who sent me here to love these children with my whole heart, loves them even more than I do. If after only three months it’s this hard to let go, I can’t imagine what a year will do to me. If a year is all I get with these children, in this life, then I am going to live every day to the fullest, not hold anything back, give of myself 100%. 

The day after Goodluck left, we received a new child! His name is Yonah, and he is Elisha’s brother. We just found out that these boys are twins! He is so loveable and easily our most adorable kid. Corrinne and I were in town when he came so when we got back to Site I met him for the first time. He came right up to me and gave me a hug. He has easily fit right in around here. He is just as crazy, wild, loving, and fun as the other kids. It was cute seeing them help him get adjusted; teaching him about the point system, and showing him what to do with his first chore. I am fully aware that my life is fantastic, I have eleven daily reminders. 

I have been sleeping with the boys the last few nights, which is a job I take on happily. I love the late night conversations where they rename me. (I am now Courtney Cookie. Hohensee is too hard to say.) I love falling asleep to the sounds of them talking, or singing, or snoring. My new favorite sound is that of a child’s soft snore. It’s quiet like a whisper that speaks to your heart. That snore is only for you to hear, a sound meant to make you love them even more, if that is even possible. I just can’t help but think, how ridiculously lucky am I to get this life? I am in awe that I have been given these children. That God has blessed me so much, and is giving me the opportunity to spend a year falling in love; falling in love with these children and the villagers, with a new culture, with a new language, with a new country, with Him.  

This week I waited three hours on the side of the road for a taxi. It was really frustrating and I had to learn a whole lot of patience. At the same time it was one of the few moments when I got time to myself. I just sat in the grass in the sunshine and read; a small blessing in disguise. When a taxi did come I reached an all-time record for the amount of people in a taxi. Are you ready for this? We had 17 people (1 baby on someone’s lap) and a live chicken, in an 8 passenger van. Yep! That is exactly what I thought. There was an older gentleman from the village in the taxi, and the whole time he would say, “NICO! WAPI!?!?!” (Nico! (taxi driver) where!?!?!) It was quite the African experience! 

I have cried twice this week. Once when Goodluck left, and once for Hosea. As I have mentioned before he is having a hard time these days. He wants to live with his mother and she doesn’t want him home. We had an episode this week of him running off without telling anyone. When he came back he was going to pack his stuff and leave. I stopped him and we had a talk with a translator. He was crying and talking about how he just wanted to go home. My heart just broke for him, into a million pieces. How do you tell a kid that wants to go home to his mother that he can’t because she doesn’t want him there? Your mother is the one person in your life who is supposed to love you better than anyone else. Your mother is the one person who should never stop wanting you. I choked back tears as I told him that I wanted him here and that I loved him. He let me hold him for a little while as he cried and as I tried not to. I can’t even imagine what this little boy is feeling. I just hold him and pray because there is nothing that I can do to fix this boy’s broken heart, all I can do is try to make him believe that he is wanted, and he is loved. I thank God for placing me here in this life, for constantly breaking me, and giving me the strength to keep going.  

This week I read through the kids’ files; as if my heart has not been broken enough lately. My heart aches for these children; they are so young and have experienced pain that I will never know. Jeneti’s mother died in 2010, her father remarried and left her here in Uhekule. Priska’s family has a history of mental illness (mother and grandmother) and her father is unknown. Elia’s parents both died, his mother only three months after having him. Ziada’s father is dead, and her mother is suffering from HIV and cancer. Elisha and Yonah’s father is insane, and their mother is dead. Eliza and Ima have lost both of their parents. Elenesta, Hosea, and Tumpe’s fathers have all died, and their mothers do not have the means to take care of them. We only know birthdates for four of our children, the rest are estimations. This week Corrinne and I are making up birthdays for our other seven children. When I hear these kids’ stories, I am just amazed at how well our children are turning out. Eleven smiling, laughing, loud children and you would never know that their pasts are full of such pain. How can you not thank God, and marvel at how he works in people’s lives? 

I have fallen into this life with so much ease and that is something I can thank God for. Kayla, (from Njombe, whose family came for Christmas) had a friend come visit and she wanted to come to Site. She was overwhelmed by the craziness of this life, and the funny thing is I never realized it was crazy. Yes we have eleven children running around doing a million things at once, people screaming and laughing and singing at the top of their lungs, doors opening and shutting, all sorts of noises 24/7, Cooking for 15 people or more every meal, three different languages being spoken in the same house, kids constantly asking for things, all of this could make a life overwhelming. The strangest thing of all is I have never felt overwhelmed. I love the sounds of the children, even when they are yelling and screaming, I love that we have to cook for so many people, I love that there is so much diversity in one home, I love that this is my life and God has given me what I need to live in it. 

The last few days I have been taking care of sick children with fevers. There is something going around the school which the medical officer here has diagnosed as Malaria, but it’s contagious and all of the kids are getting it. They prescribe antibiotics for EVERYTHING. Literally EVERYTHING. We were trying to at least educate our staff on how important it is NOT to take them all the time. The kids are all so miserable!!! I feel bad for them, and I am trying to explain why certain things are important when they have such high fevers; such as drinking lots of water, not wearing so many layers, keeping them cool with wet wash cloths, and taking medicine to bring their fevers down. (Fevers are in the 102-103 range) I have a few more needs to add to my previous list for Sunrise.

-Blood pressure cuff/ stethoscope

-A wrist cuff (For them to use when there isn’t someone here who knows how to take blood pressures)

-An Updated Version of “Where there is no doctor, a village health care handbook”. Our version is from 1998, lots of things have changed.

-Medicine; Cough syrup, cough drops, child strength anything (wanting to cut back on antibiotics) creams for cuts, burns, and fungus. (Anything else you may want to donate)

Thank you for the millionth time for all your love and support. 

“I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to God. Many will see and fear and put their trust in God.”

-Psalm 40:1-3

3 Months In This New Life

My life is not all about me. It was never meant to be, not really, and now I have elven beautiful children to take care of. There are times when I just want to sleep in longer, or hide in my room for twenty minutes of peace, or only worry about what I am going to do each day, or only worry about making my own breakfast. Then there are moments when one of the kids really lets me in, shares their pain with me, lets me be the shoulder they cry on, and everything that I think that I have sacrificed to be here in this life, seems like nothing. My life has purpose and meaning and I am full of love. 

One of the boys, Elia, skipped school for two days this week and went to his sister’s house. When he was asked about it he just got quiet and didn’t answer and didn’t really have a reason that he would give for not going. When I found out what was going on we had a chance to talk about it. I told him that if he didn’t go to school I was going to carry him there like a baby the next day. He laughed and jumped in my arms saying, “Pick me up please!” The next morning one of the staff members was going to walk him to school, and so he was sitting on the couch with me waiting. I started to ask him why he didn’t go to school, and he starts crying. It broke my heart and I just reached out for him and he easily slid into my arms and just cried. When he calmed down some, I wiped away his tears and asked him again. “I was afraid the teacher was going to beat me.” Heart breaks again. I am not too keen on spanking, and now I live in a culture where teachers punish students. It’s hard that he is being disciplined (without “beating”) at home and then if its school related, has to go there for punishment too. I can’t protect him from it; the choice to not go to school was his own. But I can hold him when he cries and make sure he knows that no matter what I still love him. Before he left I grabbed him for a hug, wiped away his last stray tears, and promised him that when he gets home from school I will teach him a new card game. He smiled and gave me a kiss goodbye. My heart bursts with love for this little boy, for this moment when I was the one that was wanted, when I was the one that was there when his heart just needed a little bit of extra love. I thank God for putting me in this place. Maybe the only reason I am here is for moments when my shoulder is the one that collects a child’s tears, when my arms are the ones that give comfort, when what is needed is just simply being available with an open and willing heart.

God is so good. He always gives me exactly what I need when I am struggling. He always gives me that little bit of encouragement when I feel that I have lost my way. It has been a rough transition having Kay and Corrinne back. I was here for 3 weeks and then BAM I am running the orphanage for six weeks, and now that they are back it’s been hard to get settled.  I really felt like I misread God’s message, that maybe I wasn’t actually supposed to be here. I felt so pointless, and was questioning my reason for even being in Tanzania. Then God gives me a little boy with a broken heart, and suddenly nothing else really matters. If the only reason I am here is to love a whole lot of people, to be a constant in the lives of these kids, or just being whatever they need me to be, that will be enough for me. That will always be enough for me. 

I realize that when you become a mom, certain things that used to gross you out don’t anymore. I am constantly kissing children covered in fungus, or loving on children who are sick with colds, getting snot and boogers on me that aren’t my own (not that i usually get my snot and boogers on myself), getting covered in mud and dirt from filthy children jumping on me, even washing pee soaked bedding by hand. I am the cleaner of wounds, the giver of Band-Aids, the kisser of hurts and pains, and the healer for many. To be a mom you have to be willing to be unselfish. Your life is no longer your own, you have little people who depend on you for the daily things in life.  To be a mom you don’t have to know everything, but you have to be willing to give everything of yourself. One of our girls was sick and so she had to miss school. She came and sat on my lap while I was on the computer and just fell asleep with her face buried in my neck. I started to get hot and it was hard to type one handed, but I wouldn’t have moved her for the world. It’s those little moments when one of the kids just wants to be held, and I want nothing more than to be the one with open arms. God has given me so much love in my life. So much more than I deserve, and I want to make sure that I share that love. 

One of our staff, Regina,  lost her baby niece this week. Death is such a huge part of the community and it is so heart breaking, but at the same time they are more aware that death is a part of life. That dying means you get to go see our Lord and savior. However that doesn’t make it any less sad. I went to the funeral and since I speak hardly any Kiswahili and they speak zero English it was interesting. I was sitting around the fire with around ten older ladies and they were cracking up at me. Apparently I am really funny, and really white. They would talk and talk and talk to me and I would understand about three words out of twenty. There was a baby there and when he noticed me he reached for me! (Usually they just cry) They handed him to me and he just sat in my lap and starred at me, touching my face, and playing with my hair. Yea i know, my life is pretty fantastic. =D

Prayer Requests:

-For Regina and her family.

-For Sunrise, that God will reveal his plan to us. And also that He will give Kay and Corrinne peace about everything.

-For my Residency permit, that it will all go smoothly!

-For the Kids!

Again, thank you for all your love and support! I am soaking it all up!

(P.S.)My parents officially bought their tickets to come visit, May 24-June20. If you would like to donate anything to them for the kids, here is a list of wants/needs/ideas:

-SPIDERMAN anything. Pencils, pens, coloring books, clothes, underwear, anything else you can think of.

-Games: Card games are good and easier to transport. Dice games?

-Puzzles (maybe spiderman?)

-Hot Chocolate! Maybe marshmallows too!

-Clothing: Pants, shorts, shirts, skirts. (Mostly small and medium sizes)

If you would like to donate to the “Courtney misses American food fund” you can send:

MEAT: Jerky, Pepperoni, Tuna packets. Soups, Tea (any flavor), Spices, Mac & cheese (lol).

Love Your Neighbor

“…and anyone who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.”  -Mathew 10:38-39

It’s funny to think that when I first came here I was afraid God would ask me to stay, and now that I am here and in love I am afraid he is going to ask me to leave. In three months I have learned so many things about myself and more importantly about God. About who I am in Him, and the woman he wants me to be. I have this new need for him that I have never had before, or maybe never recognized before. The days are long and sometimes it’s hard to be in a foreign place doing foreign things and He is always my rock. The other day was rough and I had some alone time. All I wanted to do was talk to my Lord and Savior, spend some time just working through my thoughts, and let him fill my heart. We are in a stressful time here at Sunrise, unsure of the future or who God is going to send our way. I know He has a big plan for this place, and he knows what is best for these children and this village.

I have been reading a lot of books about Christians with this amazing unwavering faith and I am hungry for the same. I want to be so in love with Jesus that I trust him with all aspects of my life. I mean he did die for me right? The least I can do is believe that the God who created me, the God who sent his only son to die for me, the God of the universe, has a great plan for me. A plan that is better than anything I could dream up for myself. I can’t think of a single person in my life who is capable of that kind of love, except for this awesome God that I know. I want to be so full of his love that I cannot help but share it with everyone I meet. I believe that when God says to “Love your neighbor as yourself” (Galations 5:14) He meant it. He meant love the people who are different then me, who are poorer than me, who are richer than me, who are hard to love, who are lost and struggling, who are Gay or straight, who are black, white, green, blue, or purple, who are addicts or alcoholics, who are prostitutes, and even those who are beaver fans.

I want to see the brokenness of the world, but more than that I want to experience it. I want to be so broken by the heartache of my neighbor that I share in their pain. I want to hear the stories that are hard to hear so that it forces me to act. I don’t want to be comfortable in life while others are suffering. I want to do anything and everything I can, because I love the people that God loves.

Corrinne and I went to Malawi this last week. It was beautiful just like all of Africa, but much, much hotter than Uhekule. We stayed in a place called Chitimba Camp. It was awesome!! We had our own little one room cabin, with two beds. It was really nice. It was the perfect break from our life at Sunrise. I didn’t realize how overwhelmed I was getting until we were there, and I had no responsibilities. I was just able to relax and take a breather. I had my first hamburger since being in Tanzania; I didn’t realize how much I missed meat!! We also had French toast and bacon for breakfast. Bacon does not exist here, and it was so delicious! I am pretty sure they deep friend the French toast, which was so interesting. I am still trying to decide if I liked it or not. The beach was so nice. We were at Lake Malawi and it is HUGE. We had to be on our malaria pills while we were there and it makes you sensitive to the sun. I am getting used to this hot African sun because I was barely pink. (I had about a bottle of sunscreen on, but still.)

                 

                                  (The Lounge)                             (Outdoor sitting area)

                                              (Deep Fried French Toast and Bacon)

 

 

One of the days we wanted to go see if we could find some fresh fish. So we went out to the village and met this guy who led us to a lady who was going to cook for us. Turns out it was his sister, and we just ate at her house. It was delicious though. Totally worth the search, and walk in the hot sun.

                                              

                                                  (Our 5 Star Restaurant & Cook)

  

    
   

    (Corrinne & I on the beach!)                     (Our Room)

I am battling a bit homesickness this week. I think it’s the effects of everyone stressing out; not sure what is next for Sunrise, and Kay and Corrinne are leaving in April. They have put so much work into this place and they would hate to see it go to waste. I am just here, and filling in where needed, doing whatever they ask of me. I find it strange that I never miss America. I never miss my old life, not really. I miss my family, and Roscoe (my puppy), and my friends, and my church. I miss my job. I miss being really good at something. I was good at my job, I knew exactly what was expected and how to do it. I miss my residents. I miss eating meat, good meat, so I miss my dad’s cooking. I miss so many things and yet I have a hard time placing myself back in that life. I am stuck in between two places that I love, not really belonging in either one; at least not yet. God is changing my heart, I feel like a different person already. I want different things, my perspective on things has changed, my goal for my life has changed. I have decided that I don’t want to do things “Courtney’s way” anymore. I want to do things God’s way. I want to be in the center of his will because that is the only place that I can truly be happy. That anyone can truly be happy.

One of our boys, Hosea, is having a really hard time. He is constantly disobeying, or testing the limits. He is clearly unhappy here, and we are at a loss for how to help him out. His mother doesn’t want him back home, and that is where he wants to be. Sometimes I feel like I am making progress with him and then the next day he is back to his old ways. I just ask that you would be praying for him. I have a special place in my heart for him, I have always liked the difficult ones. I am just not sure what he needs, or what we can give him.

As usual we are having tons of fun with the kids. We taught them Spoons the other week and that is now a favorite. We started watching X-men with the kids. Africans love action movies. I assume it’s because even if they don’t understand what is going on they can at least get into the action. (Although Spiderman is still the favorite.)

                         (An awesome view of the Orphanage, on the way back from church)

 Thank you all for your continued you support and prayers!