My life is not all about me. It was never meant to be, not
really, and now I have elven beautiful children to take care of. There are
times when I just want to sleep in longer, or hide in my room for twenty
minutes of peace, or only worry about what I am going to do each day, or only worry
about making my own breakfast. Then there are moments when one of the kids
really lets me in, shares their pain with me, lets me be the shoulder they cry
on, and everything that I think that I have sacrificed to be here in this life,
seems like nothing. My life has purpose and meaning and I am full of love.
One of the boys, Elia, skipped school for two days this week
and went to his sister’s house. When he was asked about it he just got quiet
and didn’t answer and didn’t really have a reason that he would give for not
going. When I found out what was going on we had a chance to talk about it. I
told him that if he didn’t go to school I was going to carry him there like a
baby the next day. He laughed and jumped in my arms saying, “Pick me up
please!” The next morning one of the staff members was going to walk him to
school, and so he was sitting on the couch with me waiting. I started to ask
him why he didn’t go to school, and he starts crying. It broke my heart and I
just reached out for him and he easily slid into my arms and just cried. When
he calmed down some, I wiped away his tears and asked him again. “I was afraid
the teacher was going to beat me.” Heart breaks again. I am not too keen on
spanking, and now I live in a culture where teachers punish students. It’s hard
that he is being disciplined (without “beating”) at home and then if its school
related, has to go there for punishment too. I can’t protect him from it; the
choice to not go to school was his own. But I can hold him when he cries and make
sure he knows that no matter what I still love him. Before he left I grabbed
him for a hug, wiped away his last stray tears, and promised him that when he
gets home from school I will teach him a new card game. He smiled and gave me a
kiss goodbye. My heart bursts with love for this little boy, for this moment
when I was the one that was wanted, when I was the one that was there when his
heart just needed a little bit of extra love. I thank God for putting me in
this place. Maybe the only reason I am here is for moments when my shoulder is
the one that collects a child’s tears, when my arms are the ones that give
comfort, when what is needed is just simply being available with an open and
willing heart.
God is so good. He always gives me exactly what I need when
I am struggling. He always gives me that little bit of encouragement when I
feel that I have lost my way. It has been a rough transition having Kay and
Corrinne back. I was here for 3 weeks and then BAM I am running the orphanage
for six weeks, and now that they are back it’s been hard to get settled. I really felt like I misread God’s message,
that maybe I wasn’t actually supposed to be here. I felt so pointless, and was
questioning my reason for even being in Tanzania. Then God gives me a little
boy with a broken heart, and suddenly nothing else really matters. If the only
reason I am here is to love a whole lot of people, to be a constant in the
lives of these kids, or just being whatever they need me to be, that will be
enough for me. That will always be enough for me.
I realize that when you become a mom, certain things that used
to gross you out don’t anymore. I am constantly kissing children covered in
fungus, or loving on children who are sick with colds, getting snot and boogers
on me that aren’t my own (not that i usually get my snot and boogers on myself), getting covered in mud and dirt from filthy children
jumping on me, even washing pee soaked bedding by hand. I am the cleaner of
wounds, the giver of Band-Aids, the kisser of hurts and pains, and the healer
for many. To be a mom you have to be willing to be unselfish. Your life is no
longer your own, you have little people who depend on you for the daily things
in life. To be a mom you don’t have to
know everything, but you have to be willing to give everything of yourself. One
of our girls was sick and so she had to miss school. She came and sat on my lap
while I was on the computer and just fell asleep with her face buried in my
neck. I started to get hot and it was hard to type one handed, but I wouldn’t
have moved her for the world. It’s those little moments when one of the kids
just wants to be held, and I want nothing more than to be the one with open
arms. God has given me so much love in my life. So much more than I deserve,
and I want to make sure that I share that love.
One of our staff, Regina, lost her baby niece this week. Death is such a
huge part of the community and it is so heart breaking, but at the same time
they are more aware that death is a part of life. That dying means you get to
go see our Lord and savior. However that doesn’t make it any less sad. I went
to the funeral and since I speak hardly any Kiswahili and they speak zero English
it was interesting. I was sitting around the fire with around ten older ladies
and they were cracking up at me. Apparently I am really funny, and really
white. They would talk and talk and talk to me and I would understand about
three words out of twenty. There was a baby there and when he noticed me he
reached for me! (Usually they just cry) They handed him to me and he just sat
in my lap and starred at me, touching my face, and playing with my hair. Yea i know, my life is pretty fantastic. =D
Prayer Requests:
-For Regina and her family.
-For Sunrise, that God will reveal his plan to us. And also
that He will give Kay and Corrinne peace about everything.
-For my Residency permit, that it will all go smoothly!
-For the Kids!
Again, thank you for all your love and support! I am soaking
it all up!
(P.S.)My parents officially bought their tickets to come
visit, May 24-June20. If you would like to donate anything to them for the
kids, here is a list of wants/needs/ideas:
-SPIDERMAN anything. Pencils, pens, coloring books, clothes,
underwear, anything else you can think of.
-Games: Card games are good and easier to transport. Dice
games?
-Puzzles (maybe spiderman?)
-Hot Chocolate! Maybe marshmallows too!
-Clothing: Pants, shorts, shirts, skirts. (Mostly small and
medium sizes)
If you would like to donate to the “Courtney misses American
food fund” you can send:
MEAT: Jerky, Pepperoni, Tuna packets. Soups, Tea (any
flavor), Spices, Mac & cheese (lol).
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